8 hours of thoughts
notes from a 2022 plane ride home
Listened to my playlist called, “plane, baby.”
Thought about him. Thought about my home in Rome and how it housed my broken heart. Thought about my broken heart, and ironically, was filled with love. Listened to Lykke Li and read my newsletters in backwards chronological order. Listened to Lykke Li and read Failing Gracefully. Read Failing Gracefully twice and realized I had, somehow wrote into existence a series of events. Realized the power of words. Realized the power of my words. Realized how proud I was of myself. Realized that nothing else really matters. Thought about ordering a green juice to my Airbnb because I miss green juices so much. Thought about where to buy bath salts so I can run a bath on Halloween. Thought about buying more melatonin, thought about telling him I was home. Thought about not mentioning my broken heart when I see him next. But home almost autocorrected to hope but I guess those two go hand in hand.
Thought about how I don’t want to get married but I still want to wear a white dress. Thought about maybe throwing a party without the commitment part but then what would be the point of the party. I guess it would be an excuse to celebrate us and celebrate being in love. Thought about how my psychic saw me with an older man with a son and thought about how I left part of me behind. Or at least I thought I did. Thought about why men date younger, thought about what he wanted with a girl that was 15 years younger, thought about how I never really thought about that before and thought about how it’s kind of fucking me up a bit.
Thought about how age didn’t have anything to do with it. Thought about how he never asked me how old I was. Thought about how he already knew. Thought about how I never told him anything about myself and gave him my poetry instead. Thought about how that’s always safer. Thought about my next love interest and thought about how I hope he writes me a letter. Thought about my next love interest and thought about how I think I already know him. Thought about does this ride ever stop? Thought about how I don’t want to get off this time.
Thought about telling him he’d have to adjust his life around. Thought about telling him he needs to be more free and less rigid because then he’ll never be happy. Thought about how he’d tell me the same thing but opposite. Thought about adding more stability into my life and then thought about when he said “You’re like me. You’ll know when to settle down.” Thought about if he actually wanted to settle down. Thought about how he probably didn’t. Thought about how he wanted my freedom and took nothing but maybe everything else.
Thought about why he still loved me. Wondered if it had more to do with me than it did with him. Thought about the time a few years ago when he told me our sex would have been shit without the everything.
Thought about how he stopped talking to me after reading about me being with someone else. Wondered why. Wondered why for a long time.
Thought about if he’d miss me. Thought about what he’d miss most. Thought about telling him everyone usually does. Wondered why.
Thought about how my hair looks too good for the airplane.
Note: At the end of summer of ‘22, I had “decided I was leaving Rome for good”. Lol. I had a psychic reading, whilst in Rome, when she told me there was a man at home who was still in love with me (OFM). I said “ya, ya, but I want to know more about PN.”
So these notes are an amalgamation of thoughts for both of those lovers.