a greater woman wouldn’t beg

but i looked to the sky and said

“Citronella.”

I burst out laughing. “What?”

“Ok it’s like…lemon-y.”

“It’s unflavoured.” I do get his point, though. The unflavoured lip balms do have that beeswax-like aftertaste.

I dig inside my purse for my favourite strawberry one. The Herbivore one. And, of course, it’s the one I always lose.

“Ok.” I apply a few coats and look up at him. “Try now.”

“Strawberry.” He smiles.

“I like this one. This one’s my favourite.”

-

Do you believe in that saying - when you don’t know what to do, do nothing? That’s kind of how I feel right now. I don’t want to do anything. But I want to do everything. Everything I want, that is.

But it all feels so out of reach.

It’s 4 PM and I am under the covers. It’s a grey day, and I’m wondering what the meaning of it all is. I love my life here, but that fear is creeping in. When those glimmers appear - that voice inside my head tells me that it won’t last. And I try my best to ignore.

What do I do with all of this love? I have it for a reason.

I’m scared of having to start over. It always feels like I have to start over. What was promised was taken, and I’m realizing that maybe I was wrong when I believed love equated stability.

I knew I couldn’t stay in Rome. It was only getting me so far. And maybe that’s why I hung on to the stories or certain people, too.

They were an idea, but I also thought they would save me. They would give me some sort of reassurance I had lost over the past eight years.

Love is freely given, I thought. But I was wrong. It can come with a bargaining chip, it can come with a cost. It feels safe to have nothing, because it means no one can take anything from you.

But what changes, if anything? Change is that one thing that’s constant. I can’t see it, but I can feel it.

I deserved more. I realize.

I deserved a lot more.