accidentally ruining someone's life: a how-to guide

Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamt of being one thing, and one thing only. And that was: to always be the one who got away. Is it concerning that that was my dream? Maybe, but at least I have set out to do what I’ve always wanted to do. 

My very first crush was Kenickie from Grease. Then it moved on to Tim Riggins in Friday Night Lights. Then came Ryan Atwood, then came Jess Mariano. Fun little mixes of problematic. The sad, bad boy. A touch non-committal, but always the perfect love interest for my protagonistic behaviour. 

And I will say this - because we’re friends, and I do want to preface this newsletter with actual, sound advice. Do not set out to change someone. It is a waste of time and energy that you can easily spend on yourself. If you are trying to get someone to change who they are, then question your feelings for them in the first place. 

So - know who you’re dealing with, know what to expect, and believe someone when they show you who they are the first time. Do not expect the Tim Riggins and Jess Marianos of the world to be your next stable, and loving relationship. They’re a good friend, they’re a muse, they’re someone to party with, someone to message at 3 AM etc. etc.

Also, do we even want them to change? The sad, bad boy aesthetic is all part of their allure. 

You see? We know what we’re getting ourselves into, and knowledge is always power. We’re here to have fun, cause a few problems, ruin a few lives, and always be the one who got away. 

But how does one become the one who got away? To be the ghost of Christmas past? To be the one to haunt their dreams, and the face they see in everyone they meet? 

Well my friends, as I sit underneath the shady breeze of the Roman Cyprus trees, I have compiled a mini list of moments and tools on how to accidentally ruin someone’s life. 

The Self-Imposed Hiatus. At the very first sign of feelings, of butterflies, of obsessively checking their IG - we have to just leave for a bit.  I’m not saying forever, but just, you know - take a hiatus. We are not in a relationship, we are not locked in. These are not emotionally available men. We know who we are dealing with. So, we do the most rational thing. We hop on a plane and leave the country without telling them.

Then, we show up at their bar unexpectedly 3 weeks later in a bodycon dress and ask to do a shot with them. We watch the color drain from their face. We watch them then shut down their bar early on a Saturday night.

We walk out of said bar in said bodycon dress, arm in arm with our best friend and laugh all the way home. They are shook, and the image of you laughing in a high pony and green dress is now imprinted in their mind.

Without fail, he will message you after his shift is done at 3 AM. And what you choose to do then is up to you. But remember, knowledge is power, and high ponies will always reign supreme. 

The Poke. A favourite past time of me and my best friend when we are bored. To be completed on a weeknight when you have nothing to do. Weekends are reserved for poking in real life. 

So, let’s say, for example, you’ve hooked up with Jess Mariano. A few weeks goes by, and then you hook up with Tim Riggins. Well, to your complete shock - Jess and Tim end up being really good friends. Perfect. The perfect poke has landed into our laps.

One day, after you spy on social media that Riggins and Mariano are hanging out -Riggins unfollows you on Instagram. Honestly - I love this for you even more, because you’re most likely being talked about.

Now, off we go to entertain ourselves on a Wednesday evening.

(And honestly, even if you didn’t hook up with his friend - I am not encouraging or discouraging this behaviour btw, nor is this story based off actual events 🙄 - who cares - sometimes we can say the least while doing the most)

You: “Hey. Did you say anything to Riggins about what happened?” (Note: Refer to you two hooking up as Something That Happened, like a series of unfortunate events. Do not say “our little thing” or “us”. Absolutely not.

Him: “No? Why are you asking?” 

You: “No reason. Just wondering.” 

Him: Keeps pestering you with why.

You: “Nothing to worry about.” 

He knows exactly why you’re asking. But because Jess is the sad, bad, boy - rest assured he will never confront you about this. Because if he does, he has to admit You Were Being Talked about which risks him Showing His True Feelings.

And that, my friends, does not go with his aesthetic. And the moral of the story is - all of his friends are fair game. Sorry, they just are.

So, while Jess is spiraling / has already been spiraling, we sit in front of our AC units to dry our self tanner, because our main priority in life is to glow, and sometimes go through friend groups. Truly, art.

The Dramatic Ending. So, it’s over (for now) between you two. We knew it was coming. But I will tell you a secret. I always like to leave a little piece of me at their place. Nothing major, but something small. A bobby pin, lipstick, sweater - something you can do without for the next little while. Something that they’ll leave out on their counter as a reminder to “give back to you” when they “see you next”. Mostly, I do it so they’re always reminded of me and I can continue to haunt their dreams and reality.  

Now, if you leave something valuable by complete accident, and they are loafting on giving it back to you, and it’s turning into a hostage situation - it’s an Absolute No. His new string of girls do not deserve to see your valuable piece of jewelry sitting on his King St. condo’s kitchen counter. Nor, does it belong there. 

So, we again, do the most rational. You text him to leave the piece of jewelry with his concierge, and you’ll pick it up when you can. He’s not happy about this contactless delivery. Too bad for him. Also, too bad for you - because when you go to pick it up, your phone is dead and you need to charge it to call an Uber.

We currently hate him, but we hate being stranded with a dead phone more (see last week’s newsletter). So, ego aside, you begrudgingly ask him to charge your phone. But we don’t let him off that easy. In the elevator ride up to his King St. Condo, reiterate your point of being there so he is reminded: “I’m not trying to date you, I’m just trying to get my necklace back.”

He’s not happy with this sentiment. But remember, you are Not Like Everyone Else.

Well, sometimes the combination of wine and memories gets to us. We’re only human, after all. And sometimes, the blue ink from your new denim jeans bleed and stain the white walls of his King St. Condo. He will now spend the next 6 months to a year, staring at the denim imprint in his kitchen, thinking about that one fateful night you were just trying to get your necklace back. 

Well, my friends, you have now successfully left an impression. You’re lingering, you’re at the forefront, you’ve created a little bit of chaos.

The universe is always on your side. As am I, for when you want to cause problems.

Love you!

Emily