an honest heart to heart

Hi,

I’m staring at this blank screen, and I’m wondering how I should start this letter. I debated writing about my skincare routine. Which, TBH, I kind of want to save for when I have products that aren’t almost empty so I can do an *~ aesthetic ~* photoshoot. But I realized an honest heart-to-heart would be better suited for today.

It’s Saturday morning. We are shouting out the giant mug of French Press beside me. Sorry, it’s back to instant once I land on European soil. I cannot do the tiny shots of anxiety inducing espresso anymore. They’re fine for when you need a little pick-me-up after lunch or before dinner. But, as someone who really likes to enjoy and extend out her mornings as much as possible, the one shot of coffee is not per me. I don’t even crave a cappuccino. I just want a huge mug of never-ending dark roast coffee as I write to you.

Ok. Let’s start with the highlights of the week.

1. I saw three of my friends on Monday & Tuesday. My favourite Aries made me giggle, as she always does. She is pro-pot-stirrer, which, I realized, is the best contrast to some of the girls I have met in Rome over the years, who, are kind, but have always seemed a bit too buttoned up for my liking. There’s something to be said about friends who remind you to live. Then, my fellow Gemini queen bought us pizza and rosé. We sat in her backyard under cozy blankets and ordered Tims at midnight. We both agreed that there is nothing like a Tim’s steeped tea. It reminds us of childhood, and it reminds me of when my dad used to pick me up from swimming lessons on Thursday nights. A tea, a bagel, and The Killers’ Hot Fuss was always waiting for me in the car. I then saw my Cancerian best friend (btw, an astrologer on TT said that Cancerian woman are the best kind of friends to have) - who, is still angry about the OFM bail. “I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for him to go for drinks with a beautiful girl.” Thank you to my Cancerian best friend. She always knows the perfect thing to say.

2. I bought new crystals. Yay.

3. I’ve become obsessed with cherry smoothies lately. Frozen cherries, almond butter, coconut yogurt, and a tablespoon of collagen powder. SO good.

4. My sister taught me how to make her infamous pickle dip. If you know, you know.

5. Speaking of my sister, we’re rewatching Harry Potter again. My favourite book/movie has always been The Half-Blood Prince. What’s yours?

6. I started…writing a book. I know. I’ve had the title in my mind since forever. And I was just waiting for the right conclusion to hit me, and it really, finally did.

-

You see, I feel like I’m in this little limbo phase in my life. I want to move forward, I want something new to land in to my lap to remind me of my purpose, but it feels like I’m stuck. I went into this year with no plan. I went into this year thinking my time in Rome would be up in the spring, but now it’s the fall and I can’t stop thinking about going back. I was watching Emily in Paris/Rome, and I loved the conversation Sylvie had with her Italian lover. He tells her, “This city has always had a hold on you. It represents who you really want to be. An artist.” And I keep thinking about that. Where do we go to feel the most like ourselves? Where do we go to feel the most free?

The conversations around money and work and career rarely come up around me anymore when I’m back in Toronto. My friends know that nothing loses my interest in a conversation more than people talking about their jobs and workplace drama. “But I don’t know any of these people” I always found myself repeating.

It is also why, I realized, that finance bros are my arch nemesis. I believe there is more to life than fighting for a corner office with a window, using words like “value”/ “asset”/ “capital gain”, and getting blackout at Happy Hour to run from any or all self reflection. Nothing about that life seems of interest to me.

It is hard to know exactly where you want to be, but are unsure of the how or the when. It’s hard to not beat yourself up with the constant social media comparisons. It is hard to remind yourself to say those daily affirmations, “I am enough”, and believe them. Last year, my Cancerian best friend used the term: “It’s like pushing a boulder.” And I feel that. Limbo feels exactly like that. Throwing those hopes and wishes and dreams into the universe. But not moving an inch.

In my perfect world, we are all free. All conversations are meaningful. Talking about love and whirlwind romances and grief and heartache and heartbreak are the norm. They’re not topics that need to be reserved for behind closed doors of the therapist’s office. In my perfect world, men let their emotions and reflections pour out of them. In my perfect world, projections don’t exist. In my perfect world, envy doesn’t exist. In my perfect world, fear of change doesn’t exist.

And in my perfect world, we live. We don’t just exist.

I know that here, is not where I belong. So I filter out the surroundings, the lifestyle, the norms, the notions. And I have to focus on the intangible: love. Love shared between childhood friends, love shared between adolescent friends. That sometimes unsteady, but most of the time, unconditional love shared between family members. The comfort of returning back to that inner child who loved waiting in line for the next Harry Potter book, who loved blasting The Killers while her dad drove her to school. Those Friday nights spent at her grandparents, eating pickle dip with her sister while they watched the latest Spy Kids.

I’m going to end this letter with something, that some might think is cheesy. But I think, due to my Harry Potter binge, is an apt way to end this letter.

"Do not pity the dead. Pity the living, and above all, those who live without love."