are you afraid of change?

The truth:

I will be out of a place to live two days before Christmas.

The truth:

This kind of sets me free, doesn’t it?

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I woke up at 2 am in a coughing fit. I had a dream I was at Starbucks, ordering an everything bagel and a coffee. In this dream, I’m peering into the glass to see if they have an everything bagel, but all I see is one ham and cheese croissant. “I didn’t even know the ham and cheese croissant was an option.” I tell the barista.

To my disappointment, the everything bagel is already being made.

In my dream, I start coughing to the point where I can’t breathe.

I wake up and immediately run to get a glass of water. The coughing subsides after 20 minutes.

Tonight, I learned that I am lost. I feel lost, but everyone else also feels lost.

“Does anyone else feel like they don’t know what they’re doing in their life :)” I post on my Instagram stories.

I have never had so many singular likes on one story. DMs from business owners, texts from girls that I work with.

“Every. Damn. Day.” Was the general consensus.

The truth: I can’t remember the last time I went out for a glass of wine in the afternoon without checking my bank account. I can’t remember the last time I went out for a glass of wine and enjoyed the time spent without worrying about money in general.

The truth: I skip lunch because I cannot afford to eat 3 meals a day. Every morning, I eat three eggs at 11 so I am full until 3 pm. At 3 pm, I get a latte with regular milk. Now, this is a cheat code from the Italians. Italians consider a cappuccino as a meal at breakfast because it is made with milk. So, she is being resourceful. Then, at 7, I eat dinner.

I can’t help but laugh writing that. Someone once wrote that being a Leo Rising is a mix of “being a starving artist, but also a bored housewife.”

We’re too beautiful and smart for our own good.

-

In 2023, my word of the year was “embrace”. I bopped around Melbourne, Rome, Florence, Rome, Santa Margherita Ligure, Toronto, and back to Rome again. I bopped and bopped and bopped. I embraced the constant change. The constant movement. Short-term leases without extensions. AirBnBs being booked up.

I was happy. But I always felt like I was missing something. Searching for something. Stability, maybe. Whatever I believed “home” meant back then.

Now, looking back, I realized that home was within me the entire time.

-

I keep thinking about how my spiritual healer told me that I travel light in this world. And sometimes I’ll sit, and I’ll picture myself at a dinner table in a beautiful kitchen with a husband and a child. And there’s a part of me that feels settled. But then there’s a bigger part of me that wants to explore.

That wants to keep writing a story, that wants to keep writing her story.

“You bring yourself wherever you go.” She tells me yesterday.

But this time, I’m happy.

This time, I’m ready.

This time, I know I’m not missing anything.

Home is here. Home is within me. I get to bring myself wherever I go.

How lucky are we?