call it what you want
a conversation between me and myself on a friday night
It’s glow up Friday eve as I’m writing this, and I’m contradicting my last newsletter where I proclaimed my love for themed letters. I have 0 theme this week, so it’s essentially going to feel like me having a conversation with my Friday night self.
I wish you could see my writing position. Lymphatic drainage, legs on wall, blood rushing to head. Does this help with creativity? Who knows, I truly hope so.
I have been learning about my relationship with creativity. I always used to hate (and still do) when people say “creativity is a muscle and you have to work it blah blah blah”. You just always think something good will naturally come out of you, right as you start to type. And I’m realizing, it really does not. So, here I am. Not having written in a week, but writing down the first few things that come to my Friday night brain.
Also - need to tell you something. I’m currently house sitting for a friend. And she just happens to be in area in where a few guys I’ve dated over the past little while live. So you can just imagine how I have to leave the house everyday. I pray for a grocery store run-in while I spend 45 minutes doing my hair. So far it hasn’t happened, but I will keep you posted.
I’ve also really gotten into taking afternoon baths. I have this 2 PM routine where I get cranky, light candles, make a wish, and sit in a tub full of bath salts and dried roses for an hour. I tell my friends and they tell me that I shouldn’t take my phone with me, because that defeats the purpose of taking a bath. Which, I guess, is true.
And in other news, I had an existential crisis while waiting for the streetcar. I completely zoned out and starred into the condominium abyss. You know when things are too quiet in your mind, and then you ask yourself “Wait, is my life falling apart?” And nothing particularly dramatic happened, but then you go down the insta-triggered anxiety spiral of doom. Another reason why I shouldn’t take my phone into the bathtub.
(I will also attribute this moment to PMS, and I’ve warned all of my friends that tis the season for all of us to have 2 weeks of mood swing misery.)
I like to measure my life using Taylor Swift eras. And I always find myself telling myself (and other people, who never ask for this type of information) that I feel like I am continuously in the Reputation era.
I feel like this might have been the time where everyone was sick of her, and she was also sick of herself. I think being sick of yourself is really the key here.
And I don’t mean that in a self-loathing way. I mean it when you’re tired of writing and living out the same narrative, and you know there is something more out there waiting for you.
In my personal opinion, I feel like she had eras (probably similar to many musical artists) - where you’re performing and writing songs to please other people. You’re studying your audience, and looking to what they respond well to, so it mirrors your next hit. And you’re doing things people expect of you, so you won’t disappoint them.
But then came Reputation. And I’m going to be completely honest here, this album came out in 2017 and I only recently (last summer) because obsessed with it because I TOO was annoyed of her. (It was Tom Hiddleston that really set me over the edge tbh.)
One of her last songs on the album is Call It What You Want, and I think it belongs in the category of my favourite songs of all time. Also - I feel like this is also when she started to soft launch Joe Alwyn into her songs (and we are here for soft launching).
Anyways, there’s a line in there that goes: “Nobody’s heard from me for months / I’m doing better than I ever was.” And it just gives me such snake shedding their skin / Pheonix rising from the ashes vibes.
I love this album is because it starts off so angry and different from every other album she had. And I honestly forget who she was fighting with during that time (besides Devil Tom Hiddleston, because it also might have been Devil Scooter Braun, or Kim K + Ye … someone please remind me) - but by the end of it, she is a completely different person. She ends it with New Years Day, which to me, is so symbolic of her recognizing the toxicity and anger around her, but then a. translating it into an album and b. letting it push her into this new space where she can actually be herself, regardless of what the media thinks.
And whenever I’m in that moment of feeling stuck or antsy or needing of a change, I have Call It What You Want on repeat. Because it reminds me - we can actually do better without the same routines we’re accustomed to.
Change is good. Change is needed. Change is great.
Anyways, why am I comparing myself to Taylor Swift?
A few newsletters ago, I said something along the lines of - something happened to me, and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. And without getting into detail - I think the Thing that happened was to solidify both an ending and a new beginning. An ending to both performing and pleasing, and how by staying stuck in the same narrative - we do a disservice to ourselves. Which, is never the easier truth to live by.
But another favourite part of the Reputation era? The fact that Lover came right after.
Well, I think it’s almost time for Rome.
And I love you.
Ciao for now,
Emily