expect the unexpected

when plan B fails lol

Things in this moment that I love:

1. Lana’s Old Money playing on the projector. “But if you send for me, you know I'll come / And if you call for me, you know I'll run”

2. My Saje “Connection” essential oil.

3. My new cinnamon spiced cider candle from Indigo. It came in this gorgeous maroon-ruby holder, AND, because it’s a holiday scent - it was only $7!

4. New crystals. A new face wash. A new strawberry lip balm. Doses of happiness that make our lives feel sweeter and kinder and calmer.

5. Thinking about love. The love we had, and the love we always wanted.

-

Friends. Beautiful friends.

It’s a Thursday evening. My dinner dishes are done and put away. My candles are lit and my white pjs and slippers are on. “Old Money” plays in the background, and I think it’s time for me to book my monthly nail appointment because it is getting very hard to type to you. I’m thinking we need a pink - nude for next month, but I’ll let you know.

I kind of love these impromptu letters. I have more time on my hands these days, since it’s cold and I don’t feel the need to leave my cozy apartment

It’s also making me feel - more myself, in a way. I don’t have to filter out my thoughts and reserve them for a Sunday morning. I can just feel and write and type and connect, and let the magic happen.

I’ve lost my filter, apparently. But I have you for a reason, I have a voice for a reason, too.

Do you remember the events of last week? My impromptu coffee date, then my meet-up with OFM, then my date with the same man from the that same coffee date. It was all unintentional back-to-backs of kissing different men at the same. exact. intersection. Lol.

Can I be honest with you?

I don’t know if I have that innate desire to be a mom, or to have kids. And it’s something that I go back and forth with a lot. I wonder if people would think that I’m selfish, or that I’m a bad person. I’m waiting for that comment of, “Oh - but maybe you just haven’t met the right one yet.”

And I am a Gemini, and my mind is known to change as quickly as a little fairy flies off of a mushroom toadstool.

But here’s the thing - even envisioning myself as someone’s wife is hard. I can’t picture a big wedding. I can only imagine me and him, in some faraway villa in France - with no one else around. Seriously. I do not want a single other person at my wedding. Except for the person marrying us - and I don’t know who that is. All I know is that I’m red wine drunk and wearing silk and there is a huge, huge ring that is about to be put on my finger.

I’m really happy with this life that I’ve built. I’m content. I feel lucky to live it. I feel so much joy in my neighbourhood strolls and walks to get more skincare and flowers and drink cheap wine but expensive coffee. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything or anyone. And maybe, that has a lot to do with you. ♥️

Anyways, these thoughts of motherhood and wife-hood have been floating in and out of my mind the past week, since - there has been a slight issue with the Plan B I took last week, and the herbal supplement that I’ve habitually taken for the past 6 years. Apparently, allegedly, one, singular dose of Plan B loses it’s effficacy when combined with this herb - but HOW WERE ME AND OFM SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT.

I know in school, it was drilled into us how “easy” it is to conceive. You also think that kissing a guy automatically gives you a life altering STD. It was a lot of fear based education. And then you grow up, and you realize things and you learn things and you’re like oh. That’s actually how my body works.

Anyways, upon doing my own research - I send OFM a “Hi”. And I think he had a feeling something was up because I have never seen him reply as quickly to a simple “Hi” throughout the course of our eight year … friendship?

I fill him in. I can’t gage his reaction via text. But he doesn’t seem too fussed. Which makes me feel … not too fussed.

But I don’t know. There’s so many things that we need to think about as women. Marriage seems easier - things don’t work out? All you need is a quick, little divorce. But a child? That’s…you’re tied to the other for life. And you really, really, have to have all the faith and trust in that other. That they’re going to be by your side, by the child’s side. It really is you creating your own little family.

“Just another day in the life of Miss Mais” my favourite Aries friend texts me when I tell her.

Anyways. I hope everyone has a lovely weekend. I’ll be here, around. Buying cheap flowers, making some sort of gluten-free dish. Listening to Maroon, meditating. Writing, breathing, sipping on an americano. Holding off the wine, maybe. Just for now.

Lol.

Love you.

Emily