here is where you are

a new note, a new outlook, and a new month

I have recommitted to sweating. To lighting candles and to Pilates. My shopping list can wait for tomorrow. My charger has broke and I am taking that as a sign from the universe to slow down. 

To be out of it. To have finally crawled out of the darkness. And this was waiting on the other side but I don’t think I could have gotten to it if I didn’t let myself sink into my own sadness and transfiguration of words and stories. 

To have re-emerged. Stronger? Yes. But I don’t want to use “strong” because that lets us know that we’re going to have to handle more disappointments.

So, I will say it has given us Life Experience.

Sundays in bed are my favourite.

And I’ll tell you my favourite thing to do - make a giant pot of iced chamomile and mint tea, get under the covers after a cold shower, and read. 

It’s 2 pm, and I am annoyed at the sun because I feel as though it is inviting me to go outside. But the sun doesn’t understand that I am busy meeting myself in the words of others. 

There are too many rules about art so I will create my own. 

Im sleeping again, I want to tell them. I’m sleeping again, under the covers this time. 

And I have committed to sweating again. An all natural glow. Sweating by moving, sweating by having my skin be steamed with bags of chamomile tea. Sweating by the last of the September sun. 

I love you, I tell no one. I tell no one but I tell everyone, which is why I have to commit to sweating.  

I dreamt of you meeting my mother and my grandmother. My mother rolled her eyes but I knew she’d change her mind. My grandmother was my grandmother.

There’s new love on the horizon. There always is. 

But I believe I broke for a reason too.