it's not a goodbye, it's a see you later
a story in list form
a note to self: use “Do Not Disturb” more.
my favourite conversations are the ones that begin with a link to a zara find, and then end with “for picnics when you come home”
internet friends know me better than anyone? maybe it’s because i’ve let them (you) know my heart better than anyone.
another note to self: drink more chamomile tea, and drink more lemon balm tea (that i accidentally bought because i thought the leaves on the box were mint). but who knew that these would massively reduce anxiety-induced heart pains.
speaking of heart pains. when all else fails, listen to your body. i went apartment hunting in rome a few weeks ago, and i had the worst chest pains ever during those visits.
i realized something. i realized that this story in rome, that this story in italy, has, i believe, reached the ending that the universe wants for me.
and once i accepted that, the chest pains stopped.
and, in the same week, the bar offered me a full time job as a hostess.
can you imagine? lol.
i think it was a test from the universe.
“it really would be the best revenge storyline” my friend told me.
but, if i’m being completely honest. i saw my life flash before my eyes. and i just couldn’t. i couldn’t do it to myself.
and i couldn’t do it to PN, either.
you see, i’m really at peace with everything.
and maybe it’s the chamomile and lemon balm talking. but i finally understood. it finally sunk in. why our story ended the way it did.
from the very beginning he knew.
from the movie scene he told me to watch: “i always knew there was nothing here for you, except pain and tragedy. and i wanted something more for you than that. i still do.”
from the very beginning, he wanted me to have more.
and now, i really want myself to have more.
more opportunities. more work. more experiences. more money. more chances to fall in love. more chances to fall out of love. more friends to make, more communities to create, more food to try. more little worlds to explore. more little worlds to gaze at. more little worlds to find myself in.
more little worlds to create for myself.
more creativity. and more time.
and i never want to have to guess if someone loves me.
and i never want to feel like someone doesn’t know how to love me.
because, for the first time, i now know. i know that a part of me has been born here. and i know that a part of me has died here, too. and now, i have to go. i have to let it all go. and i have to let myself fall into the arms of the beautiful unknown, where i feel the most free. where i feel the most loved. and where i feel the most at home.
because i know she’ll always be there to catch me.
and i know that you’ll always be there, too.
i love you.
so. what’s next?
xoxo
Emily
20, 21, 23, 25 <3