let people miss you
troppi cosi, red flags, + the best SPF ever
“There’s something to be said about letting people miss you”
I repeated this phrase to a friend who was getting on my nerves a few years ago, and what a surprise - we’re not friends anymore
Anyways ciao, good morning, and buongiorno to all of my beautiful friends.
I wrote half of this newsletter outside today. It was 26 and sunny, but still with a breeze that hasn’t exactly made it dress season yet. I feel like the first day of dress season is probably one of my favourite moments of the entire year. Any excuse where I can actually wear a silk dress and actually run around and cause problems (my ideal aesthetic) is something to be celebrated.
There’s a bag beside me, full of fresh strawberries and artichokes and cherry tomatoes. I’m drinking water to counteract the many aperetivos of the week. But there’s something about the first days of spring/summer that make you want to drink white wine at noon on a patio every single day. And it would honestly be a sin not to.
I also found the best SPF 50 this week - why is La Roche-Posay really having a moment? We’re here for it. I started to burn wearing 30 (how sad), and breakout with every other sunscreen - but this one has saved my skin and gives you this natural glow.
Anyways, there are two life lessons from my mother that are essentially living at the forefront of my mind. One - the only Italian phrase she ever taught me was “troppi cosi” (dialect for meaning: it’s too much), and the other important life lesson: You need to let people miss you.
And I can’t remember the context she told me that in - maybe I was the one being annoying to a friend. But I think that helped me over the years develop strong relationships because you’re reminded - not everyone needs access to you 24/7, not everyone cares about the latest fight with your boyfriend, and you don’t need to update people on every single thing that happens throughout your day.
Social media and phones have made us and our energy so accessible to everyone. We post, our friends reply, we post again, we haven’t replied to our friends, we feel bad, so we reply, they post, they don’t reply to us, we feel ignored - it’s this never-ending cycle of constantly feeling like we need to be in communication with each other.
And if there’s something that everyone needs to know about me - it is that I love my space. The less you speak to me, the more I will love you.
And this is where my favourite (and tbh - only other Italian phrase I really know besides how to order white wine) comes in. Troppi cosi.
So, you might recall my declaration that was I going to be open to love in my last newsletter. And I tried. I tried for a few hours at least.
Listen, as much as we all complain about the games in dating culture - we need it.
We need to let people miss us, and we need to miss other people, or else it becomes troppi cosi. Take a few hours to respond, make them wonder what you’re doing. You know what, maybe even take a day to respond. Make them think that you have 6 other partners and 3 other jobs and 4 parties that you’re going to at noon - that you’re so busy that you simply do not have the time to reply to a text back. Be less available. Boundaries.
Whenever I think of the number one quality I’d want in a relationship, I think of the word “chill”. And even when I say the word “chill” out loud, my hands go up in a way that’s protecting my space. He’s independent, he does his own thing. He has his group of friends, he has his own life that’s he built and created. He doesn’t assume a second date means marriage, and he’s not sending seven messages in a row after being left on read. Think, Jess from Gilmore Girls - but more emotionally available and a bit nicer.
I think we’ve romanticized these big “declarations” of love that are ultimately toxic and borderline creepy. Love-bombing - that was the word I was looking for. This is why I also get so annoyed strangers who immediately flirt with you on Bumble, because I literally could be an alligator for all they know. And then it just all seems inauthentic.
Anyways, because I’m in this space of self-reflection, I decided to make a list of my immediate red flags, just to be reminded.
Emily Mais’ Immediate Red flags:
If they quote the following: Elon Musk, Jordan Peterson, Joe Rogan
The Oakley sunglasses/backpack combination - this has been like #1 on my list for years and I truly believe it is the worst of the worst. One time my ex walked into a pole and his Oakley’s snapped in half and I stood there cackling, like the witch that I am. I told him that was karma for wearing heinous sunglasses. Anyways, he unfortunately put them back together and barely spoke to me for the rest of the day.
If they bring a backpack whilst travelling and it sits on a floor at a restaurant
If you explain to me what a TFSA is
Okay so basically any guy that tries to give me financial advice
Double texting, triple texting, quadruple texting
Honourable Mentions:
Snapchat over the age of 25
Bitcoin (also falls under the TFSA mansplaining category)
Honestly guys you meet on vacation. Has this ever ended non-chaotically for anyone? Lmk.
Anyways, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I really believe it. So the moral of this story is - the less you talk to someone the more likely it is that they will fall in love with you. And the more likely it is that I will fall in love with you.
Time to hydrate. Love you!
Emily