Happy Sunday my beautiful loves,
I always feel funny typing that out - as if I am living in tomorrow already, which is not an unusual stretch from reality. It’s Saturday, we’re switching up our writing routine since I was not in the state of mind to sit and give advice on a Friday night. It’s white wine & the heat & PMS that always gets the best of me (RE: my heat stroke induced meltdown in the middle of an empty piazza a few weeks ago).
Anyways, I spent yesterday lying on my couch with a cold towel on my head, feeling sorry for myself and watching “Persuasion”. And thank god I did, because it gave me the most beautiful inspiration for today’s newsletter.
Also, in case anyone was wondering (I like painting out the scene of where I’m writing to you so it feels like we’re together), I’m in one of my favourite cafes that I like to come to once a week to write. It’s dark, the walls are lined with olive oil and wine bottles. It’s a very stark contrast to the streets that are soaked in 40 degree sunshine, but I like the coziness. I never get any service, and there’s no AC - but I almost prefer it that way. It makes drinking cold Prosecco and eating bruschetta that much more important. You know, for health reasons.
The theme of this week’s newsletter is probably a personal favourite topic of mine:
My ex has moved on, and why do I still care?
Oh, our exes. Oh, to be in love with them again. I have been thinking about how out of everyone in the world, and everyone that we cross paths with - we only let a select few see us for who we really are. The part of you that spirals and has to poll 11 people to make a decision, the part of you that definitely overshares when they’re meeting new people, the part of you that can never be bothered to cook, so you’ve made the same two dishes for your entire adult life.
And for some reason, these are the parts that they always love about you the most. They see you in ways that others wouldn’t, and we let them.
So, when they leave, it can feel as though they have taken part of us with them. And for some reason, and for a bit of time, we are left seeing the parts that we can’t stand.
Over the years, we try to rid ourselves of the memories as best as we can. We live, we grow, we change. We make more mistakes, but we make more beautiful things. We change careers, we move cities, we move countries. Years go by. You are not the same person you were at 18, at 24, at 26, and thank god for that. You’ve lived, and because of this, have come out more beautiful, more intelligent, and more sure of yourself and what you want.
The memory of them is now folded up, tucked safely away in a box with a bow on it. For some, it’s a memory that is kept at the back of your closet, or, for others, it’s a memory that doesn’t even seem like it belongs to you anymore.
I’m going to tell you a story. A few Saturdays ago, I decided to have a spa day. And when I mean spa day - it was a Sicilian Orange massage / Mediterranean Sea Salt bath / Infrared Sauna day / everything. I spent about 4 hours at spa (this is always my attempt at detoxing someone out of my system), and walked out - yes, glowing - because remember - our main purpose in life is to glow! I had no service, which was equally as beautiful, and as soon as I walked out - I see a text from my best friend that starts with: “Well, Emily.”
And whenever she starts with “Well, Emily” - I know she’s found something that we’re going to spend hours dissecting. My first ex boyfriend had gotten married that afternoon, and another man who was never my “boyfriend”, but still always had a little spot in my heart had just gone grid official (lol) with his new girlfriend. ALL of this while I was getting my Sicilian Orange massage!
Anyways, back to the question at hand (see, I told you I always have a story and always have to relate things back to myself): My ex has moved on, but why do I still care?
I cannot speak to anyone else’s situations, but I can speak to my own. And I will say this - whenever I find myself reminiscing down memory lane, desperately trying to find ways to lurk their new girlfriends to see if their captions are as funny as mine, or if their aesthetics are as aligned as mine (a side note: tbh, they never are) - I will stop and give myself a much needed reality check.
Who were you when you dated them? Were you young? Did you just get out of a relationship? Did you find them at a time when you needed love and stability the most, and did they just fall so easily into your life back then?
What did they teach you about love? Was it about control? Was love something that had to be earned? Did they bring out the best or only see the worst in you? And what did you bring out in them?
Who are you now? What have you created? What have you learned about love and life and everything that comes along with it?
And if you and ___ met as two strangers at a bar tonight, after everything you’ve already learned about yourself and love, do you think you would still find them as charming?
I’ll tell you what I think. I think we miss the first dates in the corner booths of crowded bars. I think we miss that instant where we just know that is not just a first date, it’s one of an unknown number. And no one knows how long this feeling will last, but both of you are too far in it now to care.
It’s the memories and the nostalgia of being tied up in something that was always much bigger than both of you. And it’s those moments we hold onto when we see them happy with someone else.
But we forget the sleepless nights from the fights and the arguments and the power imbalances, the lack of trust, the unaddressed demons, and everything else that led up to the relationship’s demise.
What I’ve also learned is that - the past is the past for a reason. And maybe, in a Jane Austin, “Persuasion” way - you’ll find your way back to each other in 8 years - a side note: that movie made me want to read Jane Austin at cafe and make people think I’m Intellectual. Maybe your ex is genuinely a Good Person and you both just need to live separate lives for little while. Do any of us know what the future holds? No, we don’t. As much as we like to pretend to.
But, in the case that your ex, is in fact, a shitty person who is STILL trying to ruin your spa day from worlds away, there is this trend where people write everything they hate about that person and study it to get over them. To be honest, I’ve never been a fan of that because then it makes me feel like an idiot for ever liking them, but I have always been a fan of writing down my own accomplishments over the past year and studying that instead.
Shift the energy, shift the narrative. He’s with someone else, and you’re free. So, post a few thirst traps, get a massage, and write down your list of everything you’ve become, and send it to me.
Anyways, I love you.
See you next week, or maybe this week for an impromptu update.
Emily