outside, it’s spring again
i’m drifting away
Current state of affairs:
AC is on (finally). Air purifier is running (a little luxury). It’s 6 AM, I just showered (couldn’t sleep), and I’m back in bed, moisturized (used that Vaseline Cocoa Shimmer Radiant stick). I’m wearing baby blue linen brandy sleep shorts and an oversized H&M tee with tomatoes on it.
Can you tell I’m ready for summer?
I’ll be honest with you. I didn’t really want to put out a newsletter today. And this is because the last week has felt heavy, emotionally - and I didn’t want to put that pressure of retelling a story on myself.
So. I thought. Instead of me telling a story - why not just tell you about the things I loved about this week?
My sister surprised me with an air purifier and a water filter. I know, these are very off-brand things to get excited about - but when I was staying with her - I was OBSESSED with her water. It didn’t taste like chlorine, it tastes how water should taste. Clean. Anyways, it’s always the highlight when I go to visit her - so Wednesday’s Amazon package delivery was honestly the highlight of my week. Also - this air purifier has a diffuser attached and now I get to go shop for essential oils.
I made homemade pizza yesterday. Actually - a highlight was that the bakery gave me the dough for free (a win is a win is a win), so I bought fior di latte, hot salami, San Marzano tomatoes - and oh my god you guys. It came out incredible. And I was so nervous because I’ve never made pizza before (or used my oven lol) - and can I tell you - my ancestors would be proud.
At the bakery, I started chatting one of the girls who worked there. I told her that I was so excited to spend my Saturday night making pizza and painting fairies and not speaking to a single soul. She was like “Honestly - nothing makes me happier than when plans fall through, and I can sit on the couch with a drink in my hand and watch Downtown Abbey.” That’s really it though, isn’t it? I’ve realized I don’t trust people who have a lot of friends, or people that have to Do Things At All Times.
I bought a gorgeous bouquet of flowers this week. I skipped the tulips, and treated myself to something different. I gave the girl a budget, and told her I wanted it to be all white. Baby’s breath, spray roses, white roses, white peonies, white carnations. It’s stunning, and I’ve split it up so that I have a few flowers beside my bed, too. See? I am good shopper.
Speaking of bed - I bought new bedsheets this week. They’re rosy pink and so, so soft. I have this new rule of - whenever I let go of a guy - even if he hasn’t been to my place, I buy new bedsheets. It’s like this energetic signal to myself and the universe. New beginnings.
And speaking of new beginnings - I’m going to be honest with you. This is the first time, in a long time, where I truly feel back in a space of reclaiming my power. Not to say that it ever left - but I’m really just. Exhausted of relationships. I am. I’m exhausted of these push/pull dynamics, the addictions, the guessing games. The control issues. The insecurities. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep making myself feel uncomfortable in order to make someone else feel comfortable. I refuse. I won’t do it.
It feels good. It feels really good. To order more flimsy summer dresses and cute bags that will fit my journal and pen. My summer in the city might really just consist of me patio hopping and writing. I do not have any travel plans, and nor do I really want them. Europe in the summer is beautiful, but it’s a lot. And I really, just want to relax, and just be.
You know what?
I just want to be here, with you.
Happy almost summer.
Love,
Emily
i 💕 you