the love we think we deserve

thoughts from the end of a vacation

Hi my angels,

There is no theme for today’s newsletter - and sometimes that’s always the best way to be. No polling, no planning, no editing. Just a random stream of consciousness like we’re all having pinot grigio and splitting burrata and cherry tomatoes at Terroni.

I am pretty sure I am writing this morning’s letter at one of the most beautiful places in the world. I’ll fill you in next week, but the northern region of Italy and fisherman towns will always be my absolute favourite. It’s peaceful, it’s calm, there’s always a breeze even when it’s warm, the island is filled with tiny little lights, everyone is eating fish and drinking white wine, etc etc. I’ve also realized there’s such an art to when people at different tables lift their wine glasses simultaneously to drink at a restaurant together. 

Gwen Stefani’s Cool is playing - which is oddly fitting. An iconic music video set in a mansion in Lake Como. Except I don’t think any of my ex’s new girlfriends want to meet me - and I would be offended if they wanted to. No sane girlfriend would want to meet the one who got away. 

Anyways, the other night I was FaceTiming with one of my friends and we were talking about the type people we attract. She told me she attracts people she thinks needs “fixing”, because she believes if she fixes someone, then she’s worthy of love. 

And the common theme of what I’ve been reflecting on this past trip is what kind of love I think I deserve. And what type of person I constantly seem to attract. Or maybe I can say “we” because - I don’t want to just always be talking about myself.

“We often attract what we put out” - is what another friend said to me. And if you can’t already tell, July was a rough one.

And you know - I always used to think I was such an open book and had such an open heart for love because my heart was always in my writing. Literally - anything anyone ever wanted to know about me - was here. It’s in my poetry and my newsletters, it’s in my book, it’s in my Instagram captions. How love and art and poetry and grief and living a life full of buffalo mozzarella and prosucitto and lambrusco are of the highest priority to me. How the uniform is slip dresses and messy waves and spf 50 layered underneath Bobbi Brown bronzer, because we are always glowing and have to protect our skin. 

I’ve prided myself on being independent - because my biggest fear is to lose myself and my freedom in someone else. I’ve seen it happen in so many relationships around me, and I made a vow and a promise to myself years ago to never let my happiness or worth be dependent on if someone wants to be with me or not. 

“Do you ever feel like - because you’ve worked so hard to live life the way you want - you’re very protective of it?” I asked the object of my past few newsletters a few months back. 

“Well, that’s not really living - is it?”

Ugh. I rolled my eyes as I wrote that because, unfortunately he was right. 

Protecting our hearts, is really what I meant. And I’m sure he picked up on that, too. It scares me when people are too perceptive. 

Remember that quote from the Perks of Being a Wallflower?

We accept the love we think we deserve. 

Ugh, I’m getting emotional. What were we taught about love and attraction and who we love and how we love? I don’t think anyone teaches us how to fall, that’s just one of those many illogical things that no one is supposed to make sense of. That’s the easiest part. In fact, I have realized we rarely have any choice over who we fall for. 

I do believe people are capable of both loving you and hurting you at the same time. And maybe what we think we deserve, comes down to how we see ourselves, and what we’re willing to put up with in the name of “love”. 

Well, do we want more than being a 2 pm on a Thursday afternoon? Do we want to be wined and dined and fawned over? And maybe have things - dare I say - to be easy and fun and safe? To not worry about fixing someone or changing someone? To not worry about someone’s motives? To know they’re in it for you. 

And what type of love do we think we deserve? There’s a difference between wanting, and feeling as though you deserve it. I’m still working on the deserving part. 

I wish I had an answer for this week’s newsletter, or some sort of advice to end things on. But, I do not. It would be nice to know everything, but it is also very humbling to not know. 

Just something to think about. 

Ok my friends, I hope you have the most beautiful weekend. And I hope you have a glass of Pinot, and I hope someone cooks you scallops and sea bass over the course of a 4 hour meal.

Love you.

Emily