the season of whimsical magic
Friends,
I always feel funny writing to you directly in Substack, and not in my notes. I don’t really have a rhyme or a reason to my letters, or when they’re sent out - but I kind of like doing the sporadic, mid-week, check-in.
No fanciness, no big stories. Just me, being here with you.
Right now, I have a little mug of coffee beside me. Suki (of course) is playing. I’m currently obsessed with this 19/99 Highlight Pencil in“Oro” and the Vaseline Cocoa Shimmer Jelly Stick. Let’s manifest that one day - beauty brands will FIGHT to sponsor Every Little Thing.
Summer comes, Gemini season comes, and I’m obsessed with shimmering. I’m obsessed with soft gold eyeshadows, I’m obsessed with body lotions and oils that make you look like you just emerged from a body of water (siren-core). It’s the season of freedom, and I want to embrace that feeling however I can.
Last night, I had a dream I was writing a letter in gel pens. Ugh, can someone buy me a pack of sparkly gel pens for my birthday? And I don’t remember anything about the rest of the letter besides the final line, which was - “And I think there is always going to be a part of me that wondered what would have happened.” I woke up, immediately wrote it down, then immediately fell back asleep.
I can’t describe the lightness I feel this morning. It was as if, someone had just lifted 15 lbs off of me. And I really do believe that feeling this lightness has everything to do with letting ourselves feel. And when you live in same neighbourhood/vicinity of every man that you’ve dated in the past 8 months - it is hard not to be reminded of everything, it is hard not to feel everything.
It’s really about confronting the beasts, the monsters, recognizing the patterns, and it’s about letting go of the narratives that shaped what love, and how love, was taught to us.
The human experience is wild, isn’t it? I think about how two people can experience the same situation, yet, react to it - in two totally different ways.
Yesterday, I went out for wine with my friend. She told me she doesn’t think that the MFB chapter is done.
“I know you’ve given up on having a conversation with him - but, I don’t know. When you have a connection like that - it’s hard to just let it go.”
I wonder how many people are secretly rooting for MFB. Lol.
She’s not wrong. But, what am I supposed to say to him? That the core of my annoyance is that he told everyone? And yes, part of me was scared of intimacy. But, I was even more scared that I’d walk into the bar, people would just assume that I was there for him, and people would stop seeing me for me, and all they would see me as was his property.
Part of the reason why I love summer, is that I feel like we have permission to let go of the heaviness. It’s a reprieve. Summer feels like the universe wanting to give us joy, and wanting us to want to receive it.
And this isn’t to say that the connection wasn’t special, or that closure isn’t needed- but I wonder. Is June, July, and August made for circling old wounds? Or is it about letting things be, and letting things go? Letting the sunshine hit and warm our bodies as we lie in the park with friends. Wearing the least amount of clothing. Watching the sunset at 8 PM from your balcony, post evening-gelato walk. It’s for watermelon. It’s for showering the humidity off of us. It’s for writing poetry on patios with a glass of Lambrusco in hand. Being open to last minute invites, open to last minute plans. Rosé and rooftop pools with new friends.
It’s for freedom.
“And I think there is always going to be a part of me that wondered what would have happened.” It’s the perfect sentence to describe it all, isn’t it? There will always be a part that of me that will wonder.
But maybe, this future is so much brighter.
I love you.
Happy summer, my loves. I can’t wait.
Xo,
Emily