the story of peter pan

fwbs are fun until they're not

My friends,

I hope everyone can bear with me this week. I am still in recovery mode from food poisoning, and I slowly just started integrating caffeine into my diet again. 

It’s Saturday night. I cancelled on another date (lol) - BUT, in my defense, it is because I am not 100% back to normal from food poisoning. All the worst is gone, but I’m just sleepy and tired and drained. So I’m going to spend my evening drinking grapefruit juice, eating strawberries, and listening to Taylor Swift’s The Lakes. Obsessed.

There is a guy who I’ve briefly mentioned in my past newsletters, and wanted to write more about for a while, but I’m never sure exactly how. 

I usually refer to him as my “FWB”, but I feel like I need a better nickname for him. He is not the object of my past newsletters ( & let’s be honest, no one ever will be).

But, to avoid any confusion, our FWB will now be referred to as Peter Pan.

Peter Pan has been my longest FWB/hook-up buddy/whatever we are calling it in the history of my life. Our little hangouts have been happening since the end of January. Our way of flirting is liking each other’s IG story every other day. It’s the heart eyes emoji to a mirror pic, to a food pic, to a photo of Rome. And I countdown the days from getting a story reply, because the story reply will inevitably lead to his post-shift WhatsApp message of “Heyyyyy” - which, we love and welcome.

Me and Peter Pan met out one night. I was getting ready to leave a bar, and I asked a waiter for a shot of vodka for the road. Low and behold, Peter Pan comes out of nowhere with a bottle of vodka and two shot glasses. 

“Never alone.” He places the glasses in front of us. One for me, one for him. It was the eye contact and confidence that sold me.

So, naturally, we exchange IGs and Peter Pan shows up at my apartment two evenings later. 

I FaceTime my best friend while she’s at work.

“Oh my god you’re GLOWING. What time is it there?”

I had to fill her in on the best 3 hours of my entire life.

I liked how easy going Peter Pan was. I liked how our meet-ups became routine and predictable. I liked how he’d bring over beers and cigarettes. I liked how we were always happy to see each other. I liked how he’d ask, “Did you miss me?” every time I saw him, and how we would both laugh instead because it was a question that never required a serious answer. 

But, like every casual hook-up situation that goes on longer than, let’s say - twice -  it started to get weird. It started to get confusing. It’s always fun until it’s not. 

When I was in Florence in March, Peter Pan and I would start to message more regularly. And I started to like it. 

The story-liking turned into more casual conversations, where he would start to throw in:

“Are you finding other guys in Florence?” Of course, followed up with 5 laughing emojis because Peter Pan needed to let us know that he was joking, but something tells me that the 5 laughing emojis might have been overcompensating for Something Else. 

And without fail, Peter Pan was the first to show up the afternoon I arrived back in Rome after Florence, and the first to show up the day I arrived back in Rome after Toronto. 

After coming back from my Toronto trip, he again started to press me about “guys in Florence”.

I, very confused, since I had just arrived back from Toronto (lol), looked at him and asked:

“Why are you asking me this?”

“I want you to have other guys! I just…I just want you to be happy!”

And do you see why we’re calling him Peter Pan? 

Well, his question required no direct answer on my part. Which is why I also didn’t respond to him when he asked me the same question while I was in Florence.

Peter Pan has never asked me out, never attempted to ask me out, nor is Peter Pan actively taking me out on any dates. 

And if I was demanding this from him, I can see the logic behind him saying, “Emily - please find other guys, because I’m not going to be taking you out for an afternoon spritz anytime soon.”

But, I wasn’t. I thought we both knew the invisible terms and agreements that binds a FWB / casual hook up.

“Don’t ask questions that you don’t want the answers to” is what my cheating ex boyfriend said to me once, and to be honest, what a great line it was to repeat to Peter Pan.

“Listen - I want you to be happy, too. And I hope there were girls when you went away on vacation a few weeks ago, and I hope there are other girls in Rome for you, too.”

Which - to be honest - was the absolute truth. 

I was always under the impression that Peter Pan had a roster. He works in a dark, crowded room until 2:30 in the morning, where his job is essentially to make sure every single person in said room is having a good time. 

“There are no other girls.”

We sat on the couch in silence for a few minutes. Peter Fucking Pan. We then ended having the most awkward hook up out of all our hookups.

“So - did he ask when he’d see you again?” My best friend asks me after I FaceTimed her in a state of both laughter and confusion.

Usually our nights would end with him asking me when I’d be at the bar next. And with me “playing it cool” and being like, “oh I don’t know!”, knowing full well I’d be there within the next few nights.

“Nope, I shut the door and had a feeling that would be the last time I’d see him.” I tell her.

“I think Peter Pan needs to say it with his chest.”

I agree with her.

It has officially been a month since I last saw Peter Pan. The longest we’ve gone without seeing each other. However, it has officially been a week since he sent me a 3 AM WhatsApp, to which I ignored until the next evening, to which he ignored, to which he liked my mirror selfie a few days ago.

Lololol. The confusions of hook up culture, the blessings of Instagram, and of course, Peter Fucking Pan.

Ugh. Do you see the motivation behind our 30 before 30?

I love you,

Emily