things i don't want to admit out loud, but i'm going to anyway
i am changing, and it scares me.
1/ i don’t want to ever get my driver’s license
2/ i’m ok with never falling in love again. if someone told me that i was only ever going to have 2 loves of my life. i’d shrug. honestly. i’d say, “you know what. i was lucky to have felt what i did when i had it.”
3/ “what was i made for” runs through my head constantly
4/ i miss rome.
5/ i wonder if i made the right decision by staying.
6/ i don’t miss rome.
7/ i almost hooked up with my ex boyfriend’s brother. while we were still together. it’s actually why i broke up with my ex boyfriend in the first place.
8/ he was a bartender. he was charming. but he was sad. and i was sad.
9/ my friend asked me: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? and i always answer: it would probably be that.
10/ why am i admitting this to you? i don’t know. because i actually regret not doing it.
11/ it was kind of a power move, tbh.
12/ he wasn’t the greatest boyfriend, tbh.
13/ i miss rome.
14/ i feel very powerless when OFM doesn’t speak to me.
15/ i have built my life trying to safeguard my heart from moments like this.
16/ moments from what? you might ask.
17/ disappointment.
18/ this is a low moment for me. but it’s a reminder that i am human. and i am a writer. and shouldn’t i have moments of despair more often? isn’t that all part of the act?
19/ do you judge me for what i did? for what i’ve done?
20/ i have been picking myself apart for the past two weeks.
21/ if i was less, would he love me more?
22/ i don’t miss rome.
23/ i wonder if i made the right decision by leaving.
24/ “she is so broken that she is fixed” a quote from Watch What Happens Live.
25/ what do you miss the most about me? i want to ask him.
26/ what would you miss the most about me?
27/ would you even miss me at all? maybe that’s the better question.
28/ no one talks about the grief of letting go of your old life, while trying to reclaim something new.
29/ but is it something new, or is it something old? reclaiming your hometown as a completely different person.
30/ the corner of the couch. the bathroom floor. those are good hiding spots.
31/ did i eat today?
32/ did i smile today?
33/ was i gracious enough?
33/ did i make someone feel better about themselves?
34/ i am changing. and it scares me.