to our 5 year old self

Good morning my angels,

It’s Saturday morning in Toronto. I’m curled up with a red fuzzy blanket and my best friend’s oversized sweater. I have been living out of a suitcase full of Zara dresses over the past 6 months, so she had to lend me a few Brandy crewnecks to adapt to the fall. 

Rome had one season since April, and that season was 30+ heat /sunshine / delirium. 

Can I tell you something? It’s been a long time since I have felt this happy. It’s surprisingly warm here for November, the streets are completely covered in yellow and orange leaves. I have seen everyone I’ve wanted to see for the past year, and I have eaten so much ceviche and guacamole, which was the one food group I missed the most.

Sometimes I feel as though I am living in a question mark. It’s like living in a space that’s never permanent, it’s constantly on the move and never set in stone, yet always, it seems to work out. I cannot count how many different beds I’ve slept in and different coffee cups I’ve drank out of in different kitchens since March. 

And I will tell you something else. It takes me a while to make a decision, only because I am always scared of making the wrong one. 

But you know what I realized? I don’t think there’s such a thing as a “wrong” decision. Maybe it’s about always choosing the one that will scare you, versus the one that won’t. But I do believe that every choice we make will end up leading us to where we are meant to be. 

So, amidst all of this change and settings that continue to move and look different, there is one thing that I can always count on. Divine intervention and timing is real, and we are always being helped, listened to, and taken care of. Even if we can’t see it, we can feel it.

This week’s writing class theme is “Letters to Our 5 Year Old Selves”. In some way, shape, or form, love is always on my mind. And not even in the sense of romantic love, but the conversations that I have with myself, with other people, and the way I go about my daily interactions. 

There are many things that I’ve fallen in love with over the past year. Roaming around on cobblestone streets and eating potato pizza, silk dresses and white boots and expensive cocktails, fall in the city on a Sunday morning, and, of course, you. The freedom of expression.

So, in lieu of our traditional Sunday - what did Emily Mais get up to newsletter - I’m going to share with you the letter I wrote to her, because there has to be some wisdom in there that everyone can use this week.

To my 5 year old friend,

I didn’t know how to start this letter, mainly because I wanted it to be perfect, and I was scared of not being able to craft the most perfect, romantic intro - only because I want you to think that I’m the coolest person ever. 

We’re sitting at a kitchen counter, eating a greek salad with sliced chicken breast. Our hair was light and then dark, back to light, and now we’re currently in this shade of coffee, chestnut, and caramel. We just came back from living in Italy for almost a year (it was 10 months, but we’re going to tell everyone it was a year for street cred), and you could not be happier to be in the city you were born and raised in. 

You don’t know where you’ll be living exactly at the end of the month, but luckily, you have options. You’ve always had so many options - so, so, so many. But there are people you met along the way who convinced you that you only had one. That there was one, linear route to happiness. 

You are different. And maybe we’re all different, but I’ve learned that a lot of people walk through life hiding parts of themselves that they don’t want known. The parts of themselves that are seen as too vulnerable, as too much, and as too little. The wild and creative sides, the sides full of love, the sides full of passion. These are the brightest sides of people, yet for some reason - we are all scared.

I’m going to tell you something, because I think you and I both need to hear this. The universe, no matter how hard you try to fight it, won’t let you lead the life that you think you are “supposed to lead”. 

But if you let it, it will lead you to a place that is more incredible than you could have ever imagined. So, be thankful that you’ve never believed in making long term goals. 

Just let go. Just let go. 

Also? Love is a rollercoaster. It’s full of the highest of highs and the lowest of lows - and you love the drama. But I’ll tell you something else - as much as we like to think we do, we don’t have a say if we get hurt in this world. Because we will. Trust me, we still have a long way to go in this department. 

But the most important thing I’ve learned about love? Write letters to your lovers. Tell them how you feel, even if you know that the relationship is doomed, tell them anyways.

Everyone deserves to know how deeply you love and how deeply you care, because everyone deserves to know your heart. 

Your voice is the most powerful thing. Your truth is the most powerful thing. So keep writing stories. Keep telling stories.

Have tea with your mom as often as possible, listen to her when she tells you not to over pluck your eyebrows, and know that when she tells you that you are her pride and joy - she really, really, means it. 

And some final thoughts - 

Tell your university boyfriend off more often, he deserves it. Don’t feel guilty when you realize you’ve made out with half the football team. You’ll meet your best friend at a Tim Hortons. Every tear shed over the tattooed bartender you’ll meet in Italy will be worth it. And pray. Don’t forget to pray. 

And be proud. The most important thing of all. Never stop being proud.

I love you. And sometimes it takes a while to really recognize that. But I really, really do.

Thank you.

Emily