trust yourself
On most July mornings, I like to walk around my neighbourhood to think of how far I’ve come since last summer. One severe mental health episode will alter the view of everything around you. If I could tell last summer’s Emily one thing - it would be this: everything will sparkle again. I know she wouldn’t believe me. She would tell me, “Those are just words.” But last summer’s Emily also had faith. I don’t think she realized how much faith she had, but there was something inside of her. Some sort of flame that was telling her to keep going.
I wave to my old neighbour who’s out walking her German Sheppard.
“I see you more now that I moved out.”
“I know!” She smiles. “How are you?”
We are regulars at the same coffee shop, and we are also friends with both baristas who work there. I do my usual routine - showing everyone my most recent manicure.
“Uh-oh.” One barista says as she examines my signature merlot colour. “Red nail theory. Me and Emily both believe that every time we paint our nails red, our love lives implode.”
“Classic.” The other barista laughs as he pours a cold brew into a plastic cup.
“No, I know.” I start to laugh, too. “But it’s a different shade of red. It’s more subdued.”
-
“Your one year is coming up. You got a little shout out in the last meeting.” My manager tells me as I walk into work. I put my oversized Chloés inside my purse and close the closet door.
“I was thinking about this place…and how when I started - I didn’t think I was going to be here for long. I was like, “oh, this is all temporary!”
“And look at you now. I feel like you didn’t know why you were here, but it was also like - you knew you had to be here.”
I nod. “Exactly. I didn’t realize how much I needed it. And what would you do without me?”
“Many things, actually. Solve world peace. World hunger.”
We’re both laughing. “The list goes on and on and on.”
-
I’m currently on step 5 of my 8 step evening skincare routine when my roommate pokes her head in to my bathroom.
“How’s Hinge?”
I roll my eyes. “Ugh. Honestly - I don’t feel like I’m in that mindset to date. You know what I mean? I’m just like…living this summer.”
“I agree. I feel like you’re just in this summer of healing.”
A few nights prior, we are sharing a bottle of wine.
“You could tell he really cared about you. Like, he really cared about you a lot.”
We’re re-hashing the Yorkville night. “You went to the bathroom and all he could talk about was you and how we needed to go find you.”
I smile. I pour us more rosé.
“Maybe it’s not right now.” She continues. “I don’t know what the future holds. But you both are in a good place. That’s what matters.”
-
I feel like I’m getting a re-do this summer. A second chance. “Your mind lies to you, but your body does not.” I come across this quote on a Substack scroll. I have a tan from walking everywhere and anywhere, and a clear complexion from an extensive skincare ritual and tomato based diet. I feel bloated when my period is near, but 98% of the time - I am very comfortable in my own skin and body. Long walks, longer showers, energetic boundaries, and a sense of peace.
I start to write a sentence, but then I stop. There are no more unanswered questions.
On one of my many walks home, I see a few letters that have melted into the pavement. I squint. I can’t tell if it says “J ❤️ E” or JOE.
I don’t stare long enough to take it in, but I know I’ll eventually circle back to that same spot.
-
It was. I write those two words into my notes app.
Not an unanswered question. Just a phrase.
It was, it was, it was.
