we're not who we used to be

on growing up and growing out of friendships

Hi beautiful friends,

It’s a Monday evening in Roma. There’s a huge glass of water beside me and water boiling on the stove for tea. My skin has been PEELING lately. I keep dealing with Eczema flare ups on my knuckles, and now randomly on my collarbone. Usually I can trust Lucas’ Paw Paw ointment as my tried and true, but my skin has just been so dull and flakey that nothing seems to be working. 

I mean, it could be from the giant ball of buffalo mozzarella that I inhaled for lunch yesterday, but I refuse to believe that it’s the dairy in the diet. I did, however, buy an olive-oil based skin balm today, so I will keep everyone posted on my dry skin journey.

I wanted to write about today’s topic for a while, but I would mull over the theme and tone and voice and stories that would be attached to it for so long that I would let my mind skip over it completely, and move on to something else. 

So, as I sip on my glass of water and wait for ginger tea to steep, I have decided to speak from the heart.

Friendships. Friendships. Friendships. In my 29 years of life, I have had many groups of friends. That group of 4 or 5 girls in high school that you would spend every weeknight and weekend with. Friday nights were dedicated to walking around Yorkdale Mall. Saturday nights were most likely dedicated to some combination of eating chips, watching Gossip Girl, and MSN convos until someone’s parent decided it was time to drive one of us home.

Those days were innocent. None of us had been jaded by anything in particular. No one had gone through any major life experience in order to have an immense change in character development. 

Our worries were: prom dates + dresses, BBM + Brickbreaker, whose parents were going to drive us to Yorkdale on Friday night, which football player did I contract mono from (nothing has changed), etc. etc. etc. 

But it was easy because we were all following the same path. It was as if we all had this blueprint given to us as we grew up. Telling us what would direct us to happiness and to safety. And everyone was expected to stay on that blueprint, happy to hold onto ideals passed down from parents and family members in order to make everyone around them happy. We were young, and we craved that guiding hand. 

Then, life started to happen. And all of the sudden, you’re in your mid-twenties. The world is not the same as it was when we were 16 and being dropped off around the corner from the movie theatre. It can be hard, it can be scary, it can be unnerving.

People start to draw their own blueprint, and we’re afforded more opportunities than we were when we were younger.   

We chase opportunities, we chase dreams, and we chase change. The blueprint becomes scribbled on top of, it becomes torn up, and it becomes forgotten.

So, who are the ones who walk beside us now? Who are the ones, regardless of your blueprint and their blueprint - that have stuck by you?

I’ve learned that when your life starts to change, the people around you will change quickly along with it.

So, I decided to compile two lists today. One is a list of things I’ve noticed in friendships that are about to change and can potentially have a negative impact on your life. The other is a list of things that I believe will make a forever friend, and therefore, have a beautifully positive impact on your life.

Note: I feel silly saying this, but this list is personal to me. Just like everyone has different wants + needs in a romantic partner, we all have different wants + needs in friendship. 

Another note: I wrote the second part of this letter in my Notes app, which is why everything is lowercase. But we love the aesthetic, and we love the vibe.

things i’ve noticed in friendships that turn sour:

> the way they speak about their other friends. this, ugh. it’s one of those things - when you notice a pattern of a friend shit talking all of their other friends for no particular rhyme or reason, there is a high chance that they also aren’t saying the most positive things about you behind your back either. and does this ever have anything to do with you? absolutely not, but ask yourself if it’s worthwhile hanging out with someone who is continually searching for flaws in other people.

> the way they react to your joys & what makes you happy. a friend told me this the other day: “it’s like some people have set this bar. and it’s where they’re at and where they’re happy, and when they think people are “surpassing” them, they’ll try to do anything to push that bar down on the other person.” notice the immediate reaction someone else has to your good news. and you know what i’m talking about - that very first facial expression.

> my biggest pet peeve - unsolicited advice. i feel like unsolicited advice falls underneath the umbrella of judgement. and, of course, there are instances where you might need someone to step in and help you come back to reality. but if any of your friends are telling you something frivolous about what happened over the weekend, and they aren’t a serial killer / haven’t punched a hole in a wall - the only needed response from you should be: 

“and are you having fun? amazing.” simple. life can be hard enough as it is, can we all just let each other live and have fun? 

> listen to your gut and your body. if you leave a conversation, whether it be on the phone or in person, and something in your body feels off, it’s probably your intuition trying to tell you that something about the dynamic isn’t right. 

on making forever friends: 

> two way conversations & active listening. i thank teacher’s college for teaching me about “active listening.” it’s not about waiting for a point in the conversation to relate it back to yourself, but it’s about “actively listening” to when someone is speaking about their day, and asking genuine questions about whatever they’re talking about. it sounds so baseline and obvious, but i think sometimes we can be so desperate to connect and seek out advice and comfort from our friends, that we can sometimes talk “at” them vs. “to” them. 

> encourage them to follow their dreams. when you have a friend that’s passionate about something - whether it be art or music, dance, yoga, quilting - whatever it may be - support them. repost what they’re creating, send them a few words here and there, and tell them how proud you are of them. again, it sounds so simple - but no one tells you how difficult it is to put yourself out there. knowing you have genuine support in your corner can really change someone’s life.

> uplift, uplift, uplift, and stay true to your owns goals and stay in your own lane. comparison is the thief of joy, my friends. the other day, my friend and i were having a conversation about envy. envy is probably one of the most normal human emotions, but it’s also one that we probably feel a lot of shame around. so, it makes sense when people can sometimes hide their envy behind offside comments and jabs. my friend told me, “whenever I start to feel envious of someone else, i ask myself why, and i think about the ways that i can work towards getting whatever it is that i want.” 

A therapist told me once: “Would you still choose the same group of friends now, that you did when you were 14 years old?” Food for thought. 

I’ll leave everyone on this note. We are meant to grow and we are meant to change. We are meant to develop different interests and hobbies. Move countries, get engaged, get married. Choose to stay single. Change careers. Once, twice, three times. Choose to have kids, choose not to have kids. Start our own businesses and follow our dreams. And as beautiful as life can be, it can be hard enough. So, please. Less judgement, more celebrating. More listening, more empathy, and less comparison. Love your friend for who they are and celebrate where they’re at. Don’t overlook the small things, and be your friend’s biggest cheerleader.

It’s good karma, I promise. 

I love you,

Emily